Vicissitudes, Ennui, Angst and WTF.

It started with a sniffle and before he knew it, he had a full-fledged cold. So I wasn't surprised when John suggested that we take a day of “rest”.

One might think that with all my recent love and enlightenment from walking the Camino, that a day of rest is no big deal. What's wrong with being trapped in a hotel room with nothing but Wi-Fi and Facebook! Give these tired muscles a break. Except, of course, for the one between my ears.

At first I just chilled and scrolled through my newsfeed. Then, there is the feed from N.Y. Times and so on and so on. That starts to get old, but it managed to lower my vibration enough to get me THINKING.

Why am I doing this Camino anyway? Me and my middle class lifestyle. This is such a first world adventure. How many refugees walk because they have to … to survive!

I'm taking weeks off from work to WALK? What kind of work ethic is that? What am I really doing with my life? Does any of this really matter?

Then there is more of the endless stream of news and newsfeed and food porn and opinions about politics and will I have HEALTH INSURANCE? Will we go to war with North Korea? How do I compare to him or her or those fascinating people doing fascinating things?

Then there is the self doubt. And the self criticism and the purpose of life thoughts. 

This morning John felt better. Hallelujah! We started walking. Hallelujah! My mind stopped spinning. Hallelujah!

As we walked I shared my “rest” day thoughts with John. He helped me to find some lovely perspective. “What if this walk isn't about anything? What if it's just about being here...feeling the cool air...the rhythm of our steps?”

Then I saw a little road sign along the way and I burst into laughter.

Extra Baggage

When you walk a long time, things begin to feel very heavy...extremely heavy! A chapstick becomes heavy...a cell phone weighs a ton.

When I packed, I had a 14 lb limit, but I cheated and brought along a few extra things. Stuff I thought I couldn't live without. I ended up with 15.5 lbs. I assumed I could handle just an extra pound and a half. I mean, that's nothing...but when you walk a long time…

So...as my rhomboids and erectors began to throb and spasm, I began to see every little thing as a lead weight that I was dragging along the Camino.

I've heard that the secret to enlightenment is non-attachment...I also think that's the secret to lightenment. So the first thing I let go of was my bra!. I had burned it while trying to dry it in a microwave, so it was already pretty messed up, but it took me a week to fully realize that my modesty (or vanity) wasn't important enough to lug that thing around with me.

But baggage has meaning. A week ago we (John, me and my rhomboids) finally came to the decision that we wanted to send one of our bags ahead and just share carrying one bag while we walked. Yes. It's wonderful. Our bag just magically appears at the next albergue we plan to stay at.

A good decision.

So...the reasonable thing is for each of us to equally carry the other bag while we walked. But reasonable is not always the hallmark of a loving relationship.

John, my hero, has insisted on carrying the bag most of the time. Yes, there is guilt, but he reminds me that he is doing it because he loves me. More guilt...nope...fuck guilt. I have chosen to graciously receive his love! I mean, love isn't measured through negotiations. It’s not an “if you do this then…”

I struggled with this gift from John. I still do and I do sometimes carry the bag...but not nearly as much as him.

Accepting and receiving your partner’s love and kindness matters. And realizing that he WANTS to do it...matters.

So when I was walking and from behind I heard a couple singing “BINGO”, I wondered if that was a new hip song in Spain. As they passed, I saw, what looked like a skyscraper tent on the man’s back and I realized they were joyfully singing to their CHILD, who was their “extra baggage” along the Camino. That dad was carrying at least an extra 15 lbs and he was singing joyfully. Clearly it was a labor of love.

I recall that what a child experiences in the first two years of life is deeply formative. So this little guy is experiencing beautiful mountains, the rhythm of his parents’ footsteps, wind through wheat fields and so much more. What a generous gift and I'm sure it brings both of those parents deep joy and pleasure to know this.

Deep love and gratitude wins today!

Wonderful German Women!

Oh these amazing young German women.

The cool thing about the Camino is that you meet lots of people along the Way. Some of these people just pass thru once or twice and others seem to be in my “radar”.

I'm loving my radar!

I have met several young women along the way that have been so refreshing and delightful in their own individual ways!

First, there is Amelia. She is 18 years old and amazingly insightful about herself and her desire to grow and change. Her dad died a few years ago and she was walking the Camino to think about him. She apologized for her tears, but I found them beautiful.

She is carrying a small Polaroid ( yes. Polaroid) camera with which she takes one picture for each day of the trip,and writes about it. I admired her discipline, but she quickly assured me that she doesn't match the German stereotype of being super organized and disciplined.

This is a stereotype I was completely unaware of, so I pursued.

Soon...Olivia chimed in. Olivia is also 18 and fresh out of school. She is a delightful, intellectual “sprite”! With her impeccable English, she is little and feisty and full of love. Her hair is ¼ in. long. She hugs and prances and is constantly making little movies of her experiences. She delights in love and speaks easily and authentically about it.

Listening to Amelia and Olivia laughing and describing their “German identity” is delightful. They are both full of wonder and fascinated with so much about their adventures on the Camino. And they actually enjoy the company of a couple old folks like John and me.

The first time I met Sandra was while walking through a woodsy mountain path. She was listening to her music and singing along, but when we came into view, she quickly turned it off. When we caught up with each other I told her how I enjoyed her music, to which she replied, “Oh, you don't mind? I didn't want to destroy your peace.” Adorable!

I assured her we didn't mind and she gratefully went back to enjoying it, but not before John was able to snap a photo of us. She had long braids and was wearing a classic bowler hat.

Later in the journey I got to learn a little about her passion. Once she told a story of having discovered an abused dog howling in a shed. When she tried to rescue it, she was berated by the owner. But she persisted and gave up nearly a day on the Camino to find the authorities that could save the dog.

The next time I saw her, she hugged me and expressed her relief in seeing us because the previous night she had a heated discussion with a homophobic, bigot...and it was nice to be around “nice people”. What joy I felt in serving that purpose in Sandra’s journey. I just felt such compassion for Sandra, with her two moms, defending her beliefs and those she loved.

Maybe it was just coincidence that these German women were all less than 25 years old, but it all felt distinctly reminiscent of my past as a high school teacher and all the wonderful young women I got to know in those days. I love that I get to know these new women in this new way!

Yay radar!

Albergue or Bust

One of my many worries about traveling on the Camino was the albergues.

John and I have travelled on the cheap in India. We ran into a few places that were pretty rough, like Kukie’s Holiday Inn. (Don't let the name fool you!)
But most of the time we could find a hotel room that was pretty good for a cheap price.

The albergue is a very different kind of accommodation. You sleep in bunks with lots of other pilgrims. There are sometimes blankets and pillows...and sometimes not.

My fears were about privacy, safety and sleep. Trying to sleep in a room filled with snoring and farting..and most recently, a Spaniard singing rock music loudly while on his headphones, presents challenges.

But the experience of the Camino Albergue is one that has deeply enriched this journey for me.

For instance, there is the rich memory of eating bean soup and roasted lamb in Orisson, while folks from all parts of the world shared their reasons for walking the Camino. Although, John got the most applause when he shared, “My name is John. I'm from the United States and I’m walking the Camino to get away from my President.” And waking up in the middle of the night next to Raoul and Guadalupe to see a night sky brilliant with stars. Yes, the same Guadalupe that helped me find my shoe later down the road.

Then there was the stay at Villamayor de Monjardin. We slept in an ancient stone building with amazing views and sat out on the roof chatting with other pilgrims about God and love and cancer and, my favorite, “the German stereotype”.

My most recent favorite was when we strolled into Ciruena, which the guidebook accurately describes as having “soulless new suburbs”. We knew we were staying there because we weren't ready to walk the additional 7 kilometers to the next town. When we came,upon “The Virgen Guadalupe” I thought about Kukie's Holiday Inn and my heart began to sink. We were greeted by an eccentric old man that raced around showing us where to “poo poo” and “pee pee”. (His words). The bunk beds were covered in rubber along with the pillows. Thankfully, I was too shy to express my dismay, because it was an awesome experience filled with rich, animated conversations, delicious homemade food like chorizo and vegetable stew and a homemade fig preserve that made me swoon and beautiful artwork all made by our eccentric host.

Another great experience happened last night when we stayed in another small town called Viloria de la Rioja. This albergue, Parada Viloria, was owned by Tony and Maria, a clearly in love hippy couple that hosted us and 4 Italian Veterinarians that all went to University together 25 years ago. The vets walk the Camino together every year for a week and spent most of the pilgrim dinner warmly teasing Andre about how much weight he has gained. And there was also a delightful Italian bicyclist whose little dog, Milly, was biking the Camino with him, via backpack. (I still regret not getting a photo of them).

I sat and chatted with Maria with the enormous help of Google translate, while Tony listened to Eric Clapton and made Paella. I got to be his estudiante. The paella was amazing and they only asked for a donation for it.

When we were in Logrono, we decided to splurge and get a hotel with a sauna, a Jacuzzi and our very own bed with sheets and blankets and everything. We even opted to go out for dinner instead of having the Pilgrims communal dinner. But the next day I woke up just a little dead inside. I think the albergue is worth the snores, the singing Spaniard and maybe...the farts.