I’m so happy! WTF

I'm familiar with depression. Not major depression. More like ennui. It has kept me from diving in a lot. I walk around the edges and dip my toe in most of the time. When it comes to exercise, I tend to try to find the least impactful activity. Anyway... I've been walking the Portuguese Camino and, because my partner has had some health complications, I've been walking it alone. I was so reluctant to do this, that I postponed it for nearly two weeks and spent a lot of unnecessary time and money doing it. Just stupid shit to entertain the time, but no burning desire to actually do the tours and restaurants. I don't really love planning for the next thing. Probably because I'm not really one for absolutely knowing what I enjoy. If someone asks me, "what do you want to do?" I seldom have a sure and confident response. More like, "I don't know. What do you want to do?". That’s not always a bad thing. I’ve experienced a lot from other peoples’ coat tails.  Anyway…walking is simple enough to save me from making any decisions. I just put one foot in front of the other. How hard is that, right? The nice surprise is that I'm just blown away by how good it feels. I'm sure a big part of it is being on an ancient path walked by millions of people over thousands of years seeking spiritual enlightenment. But the process is so satisfying. I just walk, chant my mantra and listen to my music. and suddenly, everything else falls away. All the noise in my head of shoulds and plans and worries disappear and to replace it is the amazing beauty of dew sparkling on leaves, mist in the morning, birds flitting from branches, just writing it all sounds really cliche, but it feels so fucking awesome. Suddenly I find myself laughing at a man playing catch with his dog or a cat staring me down while sitting on a sunny stone wall, her sleepy eyes slipping in and out of her own meditation. I honestly don't get it. I'm 62. Why haven't I been doing this all along? Why don’t I realize how good this feels? And then I stop and the feeling goes away. I slip back into my old pattern of planning and worrying and ennui. My brain wants to keep walking, but my body...well that's a whole other story.